It’s a common misconception that jealousy is a sign of love.

Small amounts of jealousy are normal, and even healthy, but problems begin when jealousy becomes more intense and less controlled.

What is Jealousy?

Jealousy is a complex emotion that encompasses feelings ranging from suspicion to rage to fear to humiliation.

It strikes people of all ages, genders, and sexual orientations, and is most typically aroused when a person perceives a threat to a valued relationship from a third party. The threat may be real or imagined.

Why do we feel Jealous?

Research has identified many root causes of extreme jealousy, including low self-esteem, high neuroticism, and feeling possessive of others, particularly romantic partners. Fear of abandonment is also a key motivator.

Are men more jealous than women?

Men and women both feel jealousy. Some evidence suggests that in the context of romantic relationships, men feel greater jealousy about sexual infidelity (real or perceived), while women tend to feel more jealous about emotional infidelity.

In adolescents, girls appear to experience jealousy more often than boys do, according to a Developmental Psychology study. One reason for this could be because, as the research indicates, girls often expect more loyalty and empathy from their friends.

Signs of Jealousy

If a person is jealous, they may show it in a wide variety of ways. While some jealous behaviors are subtle, unnoticeable, or mild, strong feelings of jealousy can cause people to act out or harm others. Signs you may be experiencing jealousy include:

• Anger toward a person or situation that is interfering with something you care about.
• Resentment of a friend or partner when they can’t spend time with you.
• Difficulty feeling happy for a coworker when they receive something you wanted.
• Feelings of dislike toward a new person in a loved one’s life that are hard to explain.
• Deep sadness or feelings of distance when thinking about a partner, friend, or loved one.

How Jealousy Becomes a Relationship Issue?

The Jealousy Recipient

The recipient of the jealousy may feel controlled, constricted, and resentful. They feel like they can’t go anywhere or do anything without their partner becoming upset and jealous. The smallest and most innocent interactions are analyzed, and the person feels accused and violated. They start to chafe against the restrictions that their partner places on them, and may feel embarrassed telling friends or family about how jealous their partner is.

The recipient of the jealousy is typically made to feel insecure by this behavior and may feel that they must be doing something “wrong” in order to be provoking their partner’s jealousy.

The Jealous Partner

On the other hand, the jealous partner may also suffer.

The jealous partner feels constantly tormented by the idea that their partner is betraying them, or that other people are about to snatch away their partner. Often, this partner is highly insecure, and does not feel confident that they deserve love. They think that there is some amount of “committed” behavior that their partner could exhibit that would “prove” their love, but this is generally an impossible task. Their insecurity is so great that no amount of reassurance can make them feel secure and calm.

It’s possible this partner was abandoned or neglected in childhood by a parent, whether physically or emotionally, and the jealousy is part of a pattern within all of their intimate relationships (sometimes including friendships).

Types of Jealousy

Jealousy in relationships: This type of jealousy stems from the fear of being replaced by someone else in a valued relationship. A woman who is angry that her husband is flirting with another woman, a husband who feels insecure when his partner spends time with friends, and a teenager who is annoyed at her sister for going to the movies with her best friend all fall into this category. Jealousy in friendships is often called platonic jealousy, while jealousy in romantic relationships may be referred to as romantic jealousy.

Jealousy related to power and status: This type of jealousy often occurs in the workplace, as it often relates to competition. For instance, a man who resents his coworker for being promoted before he was may experience this type of jealousy.

Abnormal jealousy: Also called pathological jealousy or extreme jealousy, this may be a sign of an underlying mental health issue, such as schizophrenia, anxiety, or issues with control. It is often used to describe jealousy that causes a person in a relationship to have irrational worries about a partner’s faithfulness in the relationship and may cause them to act abusively or unsafely toward that partner.

It is normal to experience mild jealousy in a platonic or romantic relationship, and this is not always considered to be unhealthy. It can indicate that one cares about the success of their relationship.

Still, jealousy can become destructive when it is frequent, intense, or irrational. An individual experiencing a high level of sexual jealousy may have difficulty trusting their partner and may check the partner’s email and cell phone or secretly follow them. If the partner discovers this behavior, the relationship may suffer.

Causes of Jealousy

People can become jealous for a variety of reasons. Often, jealous feelings stem from communication issues, low self-esteem, loneliness, or, in relationships, differing interpersonal boundaries. Some other common causes of jealousy include:

Sibling rivalry: Siblings may feel jealousy and envy when another sibling is viewed as receiving more love, attention, or resources from parents or caretakers than themselves.

Insecurity: If one person in a romantic or platonic relationship values the relationship but feels unstable within it, they may begin to feel jealous. In the workplace, people who feel that their position is at stake may also feel jealous due to insecurity.

Competition: Fierce competition between friends, siblings, or coworkers may result in feelings of jealousy if the risks involved with losing are high.

Perfectionism: People with perfectionistic qualities may find themselves feeling jealous if they often compare themselves with others. While these comparisons can also cause envy, jealousy can also arise when the person with perfectionism fears that the success of another person will negatively impact their own success.

Trust issues: Difficulty trusting others in relationships may make people more likely to feel jealous when their friend or partner spends time with other people or on their own.

Is there a “cure” for jealousy?

There is no instant cure for jealousy. But accepting that jealousy is normal, challenging negative thoughts, and practicing mindfulness may all help reduce its pull. When jealousy is overwhelming, talking to a therapist can help enormously.

-Ranjitha Raj